i'm venting....

[Road_Kill]

i need to vent for a second. see, a year ago now, i met agir, and we started dating. went okay for a time, but we moved too fast, and inside of two months we had slept with one another and broken up. largely it was because i was trying to come out of a depression, and although it perked me up, there were points in those two months where i had thought i had said the wronmg thing, and so tried to take my life, and had my friends not taken teh blades away from me, i would have succedeeded. anyways, i've spent teh better part now of 8 or 10 months trying to forget her, and sinking ever further into a state of bitterness, where i didn't give adamn about anybody anymore.

i was just starting to get use dto this state, when a month ago i had an epiphany, where i realized love is not a hungry angry monster that devours your soul and leaves you for dead, but rather, one which merely uses your weaknesses against you, but then, it is also a beacon of light, and that for every lump of coal we find, we have a diamond waiting in teh mine. with this newfound outlook(i know it doesn't seem liek much, but it changed me from thinking "fuck teh world, it hasn't helped me." to "meh, it'll get bette, just a day at a time."), i was setting into these past few weeks.

this past weekend, my ex-girlfriend shows up, and she is as bouncy and energetic as ever. she asked me to talk to her for a minute and we got talking abuot how we ad broken up so abruptly last year, and she asked if I thoght it would work to tryit again. i could hear in her voice teh pain she has gone through, and is going through, and quite frankly, i'm tired and sick of hating teh idea of finding love. she and i truly did love each other, i think.

anyways, i told her, taht maybe we should try it, but with a few things in mind. that i am presently trying to get inbto university, and so i should not spend every waking minute with her, and will not. that we will have to accept teh fact that there is no such thing as perfection, and for that reason we will have conflicts, be they of large, or small import. and i made sure we both understood that for this to work, we would have to go much much slower tan the last time. we simply were not ready at 17 & 16 years old to have sex, and all teh intimacy that comes with it. it actually wound yp driving a wedge between us.

with these things in mind, i've been thinking. i know us both far too wel, and i forse one of two things happening. we'll either stay in control, and be happy for quite some time to come, and mature. or we'll loose control, go at it liek rabbits(pardon the imagery), and it'll disentegrate again. i know damned well taht in either situation, we will ultimately wind up having our hearts broken, beacsue such is teh nature of love, unless it somehow works aout in amiracle.

since saturday i've been thinking, and trying to concentrate, but she keeps coming into my mind, teh way she was dressed, her actions, her stance, teh way she smelled, how it felt to hold her in my arms for a friedly embrace oncemore. it is driing me insane. i can't get any work done, and i can't think of anything else but teh impending doom that looms for us. (i'm a pessimist.) i've been truying to sort out why i agreed, was it beacuse i didn't want her to suffer anymore? because i didn't want to be lonely anymore? or was it because she was teh one who brought it up, and not me? is it because i enjoy punishment? or am i truly more hopeful in nature than i admit? i just frankly don't know. all i know is that i've been burnt by many people in my past, mostly because i was naieve. but she was teh one girl in all my searching that i've ever had a onnection with, who has actually liked me when i liekd her in return.

whenever i think of her, i think almost of screaming, and cryingat teh same time. screaming at the incredulity of it all, and how bitter the world can be, and crying in joy and sorrow that i once had summat good, 'ere it was lost.

i'm too used to conisdering things from all possible angles; i keep making arguemnts with myself for the rightness of getting back together, and teh wrongness, and everytime, i also create a counter argument. it's driving me bloody insane. i just hope that in time it'll work out.

thank you for reading my ramblings. and, in fact, as i look back upon teh length of this, i realize that not only have i told a lge majority of my past, and teh influential points in my life, but also, that a lge majority of you don't give a flying fuck about this. meh, oh well, at least now i can try to use pugation as evidence later on, ni whatever argument it is required.

[Dimari]

I am so sorry about that! I realy wish there was something i could do!

All i can do is wish that whatever the outcome is and however you work it out, that you are both happy, and that none of you get down and depressed.

[arnoct]

Heh. I haven't had an experience like that (D and I just started going out a few months ago,) but I know how frustrating it is to be constantly thinking of someone and deciding stuff like that. I think you should go for it and give it a second chance.

[edit] Oh, and if this seemed kinda out of nowhere to everyone else, I know RdKil IRL so he knows who I'm talking about. And don't worry, we're trying to make an intervention for his typos.

[ March 31, 2004, 08:57 PM: Message edited by: arnoct ]

[Kayko]

sorry to hear that.

[Desperado]

Well old friend it is time for you see and hear that which you need most.
I know how you feel, there is this girl(there is always a girl) that I like, I spend a good amount of my time thinking about her wishing to hold her, to love her, to embrace her, but I don't, I can't.
I have come up with this saying that I hope helps and I will put it in my signature as a reminder for whoever needs it, those who are alone and are at their breaking point, "have faith in tomorrow, even if it nevers comes, atleast it is something to believe in".
I believe that we need some form of hope whether it is found in possibility or reality, just believe that things will get better and it will make you want to go on to see if your faith has been well put.
Even though I am alone I believe that I will find the one who I am looking for and that my maiden is waiting for me somewhere out there.
But you shouldn't really worry about what will happen or how it will end, you should relish within the time you spent with you love one and remember even after it is over the way you felt and how that feeling is waiting for you out there.
I know that I have been rambling and you probably had stop reading this after the quote but I am sharing how I feel and how the situation is presented to me, so I could give a rats ass if you care about what I say, think, or believe(this does not apply to everybody).
I hope you find some sort of comfort within this and I wish you the best of luck with your ventures of the art of love and the heart.^_^

[Road_Kill]

Dimari: yar, tis apreciated mate. and the same i wish upon you; that you shall forver be pleased, if not ahppy.

arnoct: yar, i actually admire you and her for being so optimiostic about each other, despite teh fact that yuo are human. i hope you don't have an expereince like mine with D, it would be a shame for one as happy as yuo to become as dark as I.

Kayko: aye, thank ye, tis appreciated.

Desperado: aye, i appreciate the tale, and teh fact you were willing to share it. for what its worth, i took it to heart, and am going to use its advice to calm my troubled mind, and just let things come as they do. infact, i was on teh phone with her just now, and i think it'll work out well for us. i'm just abit to worried and paranoid for my own good.

[Desperado]

Don't worry about it, it is not your fault, you think too much; it is who you are.
I am the same way, I think we are just too damn smart for our own good but I would rather be a smartass than a dumbass anyday.^_^

[Road_Kill]

lol, i'm reminded of teh story f the good brahman by Voltaire. basically, voltaire visited a Brahman, a wise man. and he was very old and learned, very wise. but the brahman's neighbour was an old decript woman who lived in a wooden shack and is pretty much teh poster girl for ignorance and stuidity, compared to teh brahman, thje poster boy for education, cleanlines, and charity. voltaire had a conversation with teh woman, and she proved to be quite happy, despite her poverty. yuo see, voltaire asked tehm each what their soul was made up of, what it consisted of. the brahman could notgive a true answer, he tried compiling teh works of great thinkiners before him, but in teh end he had to admit he did not know teh answer, and it gave him great pain. the old woman, she simply said she didn't know. had never needed to know, and wasn't concerned at all. she was perfectly content with teh fact that she did not know. voltaire was struck by her candor, and said to the philosopher; are yuo not ashamed of yuor unhappiness at teh ability tothink, where next to you stands one who does not think and is teh happiest of all? the brahman replied that many times he had told himself he would wish to be as ignorant as teh owman, but he knew he would reject it, and wnat no part in such happiness, for it lacks reason and knowledge.

which would you chose? the blis of ignorance, or the pain of knowledge? sometimes it is better not to know. take for example Santa. as a kid we all believed so devoutly in the make beliefe reality of a joplly man who gives us presents. the happiest children are those who have the belief still that santa is not a guy in teh mall, but a real character who visits them every year.

[Desperado]

Well delusions do help keep people going, it is something we can believe in, sort of like lost hope.
Me personally I would take on the sorrowful and painful journey of knowledge because I enjoy the hard life, the pain makes you strong and opens you up to new expirences and methods of life.

[Silver Knight]

Man, Road Kill i can sympathize. I tried the same crap, and spent two weeks in the nuthouse. Funny thing is that i dont even want her back, but every where we go we keep bumping into each other, though we practicly hate each other. I saw her at lunch today in the same tutoring classroom (what the hell are the odds, i mean really) and i couldnt concentrate for the rest of the day. What exactly does this mean if we're dead set on killing each other.

[Desperado]

Maybe, or this is one of fates sick games.

[Road_Kill]

well, i just spent the better part of teh day with her, and i must admit, my imagination has ways of exagerating tghings which are very unbeknownst to me. although, i have spent the past year thinking solely of myself, and i forgot to think of her, and her issues. she told me today that she has made 19 various attempts upon her life to end her suffering.

i think at this point i'm about to use my own advice, and say "follow thy heart, and find your path to enlightenment." when in my heart somthing feels as right as it does to be with her, it cannot be wrong.

i have rediscovered teh one love of my life, and i pray to the gods above, and teh devils below, that this time will never end.

[Silver Knight]

Dont worry if they've made that many attempts they're not really trying to kill themselves. I know alot about this subject so take it from me, she's tryin to get attention , positive or negative, from doing it.

[Road_Kill]

aye. fair enough. the old quote "if you try to kill yourself and you fail, your body is trying to tell you something."

teh thing that hurts me about this particuular bit of business though, is that when i was dating her last year, i cut myself regularly to escape from life, because i dfidn't knwo what else to do. adnd she told me that sometimes she will do it to herself so that she can black out for a few hours and escape her life, and how "depressing it is." i wanted to shake her to her senseswhen she said that, but tis another matter entirely.

anywyas, she and i have made a small agreement not to try and cut ourselves, and i pray to teh gods aboe that it'll work. I'm discovering now, just how much it is important to have a bright point in your life, and to reach for it untill all ends.

[Setsuri]

I dunno even for cutting I just think it's worng, you shouldn't subject yourself to something like that. The more you cut the more you'll lose sight of what you'd been cutting for and the lines between right and wrong will be blurred. One day you may go too far and succeed, and that's definatly not the sort of success you want.

Suicide is one of the most selfish acts a person could make, not only does it kill them but it kills a part of those who knew you, and don't even try to say they won't care, because they will care and tehy will hold so many regrets for the rest of their life just because of you. You were born with a lifetime, use it and don't throw it away.

I may be a fool, but I would rather be ignorant then live unhappily, terrible things happen, it's a part of life just try not to dwell on them look for something anything as long as it helps bring some kind of happiness into your life. Don't lose track of yourself in bitterness and self-torture!

jeez I sound like some stupid screwed up fortune cookie, but I do mean it. If you truly love her help her and help yourself, if you know you don't, then stop repeating the past you'll only hurt you and her even more then you already are.

[Desperado]

try to show her that it is not nesscesary to harm one self in order to escape the world, try to find your own tryst or sanctuary to remedy your wounds and to return to the battlefield of life.

[Road_Kill]

sets: embrace the fortune cookieness of yurself, itw ill lead to much greatness. as far as teh suicide thing goes, i agree, it is one of the most selfish acts one can commit, and for that reason alone, i am strongly opposed to it. it has been nearly a year or so now i think since i last tried, and i haven't looked back since my decision to live.

despy: aye, such is the plan. i just fear teh moment when i ave to take teh knife from her hands.

[Desperado]

just stand up to your fears and insecurities and you will triumph, I know it is harder to actually do it but is it not worth it if it is to benefit others, perhaps even save them.